L.A. Noire Film Review Project - JamesInDigital

So, I've noticed that some people still make their way over to this old blog from time to time.  Awhile ago now, I switched my blogging completely over to my domain at http://www.jamesindigital.com which used to house my college portfolio. Now it's a full-fledged media blog (and maybe someday a portfolio again).  Here's whats happening over at JamesInDigital.

L.A. Noire Film Review Project

There are 50 hidden L.A. Noire gold film reels, each an actual Film Noir from vintage Hollywood.  The goal of the L.A. Noire Film Review Project is to watch and review all of those classic noir films and collect them in one place.  This is a big task, so check out the page through the link above, and if you'd like to contribute to the L.A. Noire film review project (L.A. Noire Gold Film Reel Project) just use the contact found on the page to submit your review.

Treasure Island 1990 DVD Pre-order - Christian Bale

I've written off and on about this film (including on this old blog) for quite sometimes.  Rumbling started up laster year that the film would finally see a release through Warner Classes / Turner Entertainment.  This year that was confirmed through Warner Classics Facebook page, and now we have a full release date and pre-orders are being accepted.  Visit the link above to learn more, get a glimpse of the cover art and get your pre-order.

There's plenty more on the blog, including some of the following items.  Please check them out and as always if you like a page or an article, make use of the social media sharing to send it to friends, family or business partners.  I am available to review also sorts of things, from game, film, and television, to music and book, if you'd like your product or service reviews, use the about me page on the site.  And check out some of the newer  posts:

Mass Effect 3 N7 Collector's Edition Pre-order

Scarface Limited Edition Humidor Gift Set & Bluray

Brink PS3 Game Review

Thanks for visiting, I'll try to update this page every once and while, but the real news will be found at the new address found in the first paragraphy.

Game Reviews, Movie Reviews & More - JamesInDigital

Blog has been fully up and over at http://www.JamesInDigital.com for awhile now.  You will find general blog posts, movie reviews, games reviews, book reviews, music reviews and previews of all those topics, plus more.  Eventually, portfolio and artwork will start to make its way back over there as well.  Some Photography has already been posted, stop in and say hi, and check out the articles and leave me some feedback.  Let me know if there is anything you want me to cover and I will, or if you have a write-up on any of these topics, send em my way, and I will edit and post them and give you credit and links.

Later
-James

Moving

I may try to carry over blog posts from my main domain to here on occasion, but the blog is officially moving to my main domain at http:/www.JamesInDigital.com
I'm switching over to a full WordPress. My portfolio and hopefully new stuff will appear eventually, but the focus is now on written content, articles, reviews, stories, whatever.
Hope to see any of you guys over there who still check me out occasionally.

I watched Equilibrium for the first time in quite awhile the other night, and I had forgot that the last 3 lines of this great Yeats poem were central to the story. So, the poem's entirety is posted below. I will follow-up on the some more of the top 10 entries soon.

He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

--Yeats

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Now playing: Serra, Eric - [Leon #18] Ballad for Matilda [foobar2000 v0.9.6.1]
via FoxyTunes

"Top # Lists"

OK, so the newest facebook thing that everyone is doing is the Top 5 lists.. a nice break from the the what color of sadness are you and what celebrity do you stalk the most quizzes. However, I have always had real problem with Top Lists. They are so arbitrary and, for me at least, never final. In games, film and music I always have things I consider my favorites, but assigning them rank, or narrowing them down to a small few is impossible for me. I could make top 10 lists by genre and probably still not be satisfied with my lists.

So with all that complaining done, I present my Top 10 games of all time list, and I do so with this full disclaimer. Most of these games will always be in my favorites list, their order or even their ascension into the top 10 however are probably never guaranteed (Mafia probably being the exception here. So I present my List in the upper corner of this blog, and will explain my decisions a couple of games at a time. So please, comment on my choices and provide some of your own. I wanna here from my friends out there.

Betrayal at Krondor - Sierra/Dynamix
Betrayal at Krondor is a game I have purchased twice in my lifetime. Once up release on original diskettes and then again later in the 90's for the CD version will full CD music tracks. Some of my friends know my fondness for Gaming Scores/Soundtrack, and the themes on Krondor are some of my favorites. Krondor runs perfectly on Dosbox. For those who don't know, Dosbox almost fully emulates a DOS installation, complete with Soundblaster Pro/16 and VGA emulation. A Little tweaking and beta-running with give you Gravis Ultrasound or Roland MT-32 Emulation as well.

Krondor plays out like a fantasy novel, and indeed was based of the writings of Raymond Feist.
The game is in an RPG in pseudo-3d. The upgradeable stats include, armor-crafting (the ability to repair armor), lock picking and even barding, which allowed a character to attempt to play music once a chapter at local inns for money. The combat was turn and tile-based on a flat plane.
The game is fairly long at 9 chapters (this of course depends on your exploring, which should take awhile for the full experience.) Krondor is a great game and highly recommended and rated.

Mafia: The City of Lost Heaven - Illusion Softworks/Gathering of Developers
Often mislabled as being a Grand Theft Auto period clone, Mafia was a more serious, realistic and plot-driven piece than GTA was, something the GTA series has tried to remedy over the last few iterations. Mafia found a way to present an homage to the best gangster media over the years without feeling like they were ripping them off. The game is faithful to the time period in architectural style, weapons, vehicles (even the speed of them which some players complained of) and the music. Again music here is key for me, to providing an "authentic" experience. The score is amazing, and the licensed music, dominated by Django Reinhardt, is an excellent addition. Reinhardt's music is some of my favorite of the Jazz genre.

Mafia is an over the shoulder shooter and driver, and it works here. First person would have taken the focus of the story, which focuses on Tommy Angelo's rise through the ranks of the mafia from beginnings as a cab driver. Again here the story borders on the cliche due to the homage factor, but never falls over that edge that it straddles. Play this one before the long-awaited sequel Mafia II comes out nearing the end of this year. The original entry really pushed the graphics envelope in 2002, and the sequel looks looks like it will do the same.


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Now playing: Gogol Bordello - Super Taranta!
via FoxyTunes

Still a Long way to go...

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
by: Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village, though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there's some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

WIP - Vulture

I am doing a vulture model for Chris Lawrence of lawrence3d.com fame. This will probably end up on his final demo reel, if deemed worthy. The poly count is ridiculous, because the feathers are individual planes, duplicated many times, and smooth for allowance of much bending and such for rigging and animation. Hopefully I can do a little zbrush/mudbox on the guy and then he will get textured.

I am working on finding something short-term/temporary and not having a lot of luck. I need to be able to stay around here for a little bit and get my home sold, and take care of some other business before I can go anywhere far away. Once that stuff is done though, I am open to going anywhere at this point in my life.

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Now playing: Bear McCreary - Admiral and Commander (From "EXODUS, Parts I and II")
via FoxyTunes

News

Finished my first 10k walk/run. I signed up for the walk, and it was more of a fast walking-sometimes jogging sort of thing. Final time was about 1 hour 28 flat, minus 3-4 for getting up to the start line, and I did a little better than I wanted to. I set myself a very modest 15 minute mile pace, and it worked out nicely. The scenery really helped pass the time, and personal motivation kept me very focused. I had planned on running the last mile, but I was woefully unprepared in the footwear department. My many year old Nikes are worn pretty thin, particularly on the right foot, and I could feel the blisters growing. It felt pretty bad when I attempted to run, so I just jogged/walked the last bit. I am pretty happy with the outcome, it was the beginning to my training for a full-on running 5k, which I hope to accomplish by New Years. I think it can be done, the pace for the walk/jog was already in a range that I would be comfortable with.

Work/project info and maybe some run pics hopefully coming soon...

Updates!!

So, some real, updates. No lyrics, no unhappy ramblings... unless they go out without my notice. Here is some some actual news. Graduation is this Friday. Yes, somehow I made it, and I'd say the demo reel is 97%, with some tweaks and credits to go. Between now and Wednesday morning I need to get the packaging down. DVD cases, with a slip-in wraparound label, and light-scribed discs is the most likely scenario here. I will probably grab some clear plastic small-accordion folders for the full hand-outs.

I will update with some composited stills from the reel later today, or tomorrow.
Watch the main site http://JamesInDigital.com for reel and portfolio shot updates.

It's been awhile...

It's been awhile...
Things are up and down, then down, then down, then slightly up. Sort of like a confused Konami code. Graduation is fast approaching, I have a domain, and the page is being built. I hope to post some work soon here, and then eventually all work will go on the main page, and writing will stay here. I wish I could say I am hopeful, and will be relieved that this will be done soon, but everything is really uncertain right now...
Anyways... lyrics time methinks...

Don't Let Him Steal Your Heart Away - Phil Collins
You were lonely and you needed a friend
And he was there at the right time with the right smile
Just a shoulder to lean on
Someone to tell you itll all work out alright

Dont let him steal your heart away
No, dont let him steal your heart away
Dont let him steal your heart away
No, dont let him steal your heart away

You can look at him the way you did me
And hold him close say youre never letting go
But any fool can see youre fooling yourself
But you aint fooling me

So dont let him steal your heart away
No, dont let him steal your heart away

And dont pack my suitcase, Ill be back
And dont take my pictures off a the wall
Oh, did you hear me?
Dont let him change a thing cos Ill be back
Jus tell him to pack his things and get out of your life
And just give me one more chance
Ill show you Im right, Im right

cos Ive been thinking and I know it was me leaving you lonely
But hoping you could be strong
But could you look at me straight
Tell me what else can I do but say I was wrong?

So dont let him steal your heart away
No, dont let him steal your heart away

Well hes gonna try to make it work for you
Make you think your whole lifes been leading to this
But whatever you do
Think about me and dont be fooled by his kiss

And dont let him steal your heart away
Please, dont let him steal your heart away

And dont pack my suitcase, Ill be back
And dont take my pictures off a your wall
Oh, did you hear me?
Dont let him change a thing cos Ill be back
Jus tell him to pack his things and get out of your life
And just give me one more chance
Ill show you Im right
You know Im right

You were lonely and you needed a friend
And he was there at the right time with the right smile
Just a shoulder to lean on
Someone to say dont you worry itll all be alright
But hes no good for you
Hell make you think your whole lifes been leading to this
And whatever you do
Think about me, oh, and dont be fooled by his kiss

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Now playing: Weezer - The Angel and the One - Foobar
via FoxyTunes

Abbreviiated Reviews #1

Okay, I'm gonna call the round-ups of short reviews Abbreviated Review... very exciting and original I know. Let this begin the summer of gaming for me. This break is an unusually long 4 week stint, and a precursor to final final quarter at the Art Institute... and then back into the real world again... maybe it will be better than when I left it before, I have major doubts about that though.

Gaming:

Wii Sports (Wii obviously) a really fun, albeit shallow tech demo that ships with the retail version of the Wii. It is a nice indicator of where things can go with this sort of innovation. The real future of games begins in the generation after this I believe. This is where this style of innovative control will mix with the full-on visceral experience of high-definition audio and video gaming.

Wii Homebrew (Wii again) I won't tell you how this works save for the fact that hackers in the Twilight know the path. The most amazing thing I have to say about this is the already existing port of the ScummVM engine to the Wii console. It is soooo much fun playing Monkey Island with full CD Audio on a 62-inch DLP television... now I just need to get those component cables and see how that works out. The wii has much potential for homebrew, which works well, because I have a strong Nintendo-nostalgic feeling running through me whenever I use this system.

New Super Mario Bros (DS) Yes I am behind the times, yes this is a great innovation to the Mario series, keep all the structure that makes it the classic that it is, and add just enough new spice to the mix that it feels like a better dish overall.

Brain Age (DS) A Nice Little exercise for the brain. It sometimes helps me to get my mind going, can't wait to give the newer versions a try and see what has been added.

Super Dodgeball Brawlers(DS) Haven't played much of this yet, however it is an update to one of my favorite NES games of all time, and thus I love it already. I have yet to figure out exactly how the powerthrows are initiation. It used to be you simply run full steam and throw. This works sometimes, but not others. I suppose I should read the instructions.

Touch the Dead (DS) Fun little house of the dead-style rails shooter. Blow zombie heads off with the touch of your stylus. It is a bit repetitive, the graphics are slightly lacking for what the DS can do, and the story is only barely there. The sounds are good, and the zombies appropriately creepy, especially when they rip off their heads and throw them at you... I play this in small doses, and it can be quite hard at times.

Mass Effect (PS) This is one of those times where the 360 kicks everyones ass. I remember seeing my cousin play this a bit, and wondering when the hell it would get its PC port. Well that time has arrived, and I am thoroughly enjoying. The Uncharted-Space mission are quite repetitive, but have just enough story that I side-quests thus far haven't really disappointed me. Most of the plot is fairly easy to figure out and the back love-story is a little silly. I have already don't get too frustrated. The core story and main come across one point in the game where am I essentially forced to choose which of two of my crew members will die, and it was an agonizing choice, and I was not happy with the aftermath. This moment made me feel the story and identify with the main character Shepherd even more.

Team Fortress 2 / Orange Box - Holy crap, why did I wait... because it ended up being $29.99... that's why. Multi-playing TF2 is some of the most gaming fun I've had in years, and the first time in quite a long time that I have consistently played an over-the-Internet game.

Music:

Weezer (Self-Titled / RED) What can I say, I dig Weezer, even through what some people consider their sub par stuff. It's one of those situations where you say, yes the later stuff is not as good as the earlier, but even the later is better than most radio tripe. Pork and Beans had to grow on me after a few listens. The Greatest Man that ever Lived is epic, and I listen to that the most. I would also say that Everybody Get Dangerous has good single potential. Hearing the other guy's lead vocal making it on to the record can be a bit of a mixed bag, but they are passable, and Brian Bell in particular has had several songs not make the final cut for a couple of albums.

Phew... long post.. More Reviews (abbreviated or otherwise) possibly upcoming: Okami, SSMB, Mario Galaxy and Mario Party 8 for the Wii. Uncharted, Folklore, GTA4, Ratchet and Clank and Army of Two for the PS3. Possible Blu-ray reviews include Michael Clayton, 3:10 to Yuma, SuperBad, Rambo, Pan's Labyrinth, I am Legend, No Country for Old Men, American Psycho and 300. Let me know if there are any of these titles in particular that someone wants more expanded thoughts/reviews on. Also add Arrested Development on DVD to that list.

Oh and one last thing... episode 10 of BSG's final season.... FRACK!!
And, 2009 for the final episodes..... DOUBLE FREAKING FRACK... MOTHERFRACKER!
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Listening to: Weezer - Pork And Beans (2008) - 01 - Pork And Beans
via FoxyTunes

Don't wait up for her tonight...

‘Cause she won’t be coming home

Why do I find myself waiting... in the middle of the night for something I know is never going to happen?

Don’t wake up till it gets light
By then she’ll be long gone

All I have left are dreams... gone by the morning.

Her restless heart has set its sail
She can feel the waves washing over
She knows what life with you entails
You love her strength you despise your weakness

Somewhere, down deep, maybe I always knew she could never really be happy with what she had. Somehow I convinced myself that my confidence in us was good enough... and it obviously wasn't... I should have seen it earlier.

Don’t wait up, for her tonight
‘Cause she won’t be calling home
Don’t wake up till it gets light
And the dogs are scratching at the door

The calls stopped coming, the goodbyes, the hi how are yous... and still I labored furiously under my delusion of happiness... under the idea of present hardship endured for future gain.

Your jealous heart has won the day
You can feel the darkness creeping over

Sometimes I wish it had been me... It would be clear, I would understand and I would have the power... but would I have been able to live with myself if I had chosen the same path... doubtful at best.

She paid the man and sailed away
Leaving you your incompleteness

She gave away all that was best of her and ceased to be the person I once knew... the person I still love and miss so greatly... and she has truly left me a broken piece of what was a larger whole.


My thoughts go out to so many people who have helped me more than they could ever know, and though at times I falter, and feel like I will ultimately let them down, I do my best... One more day, and a new tide upon which salvation may lie.

Thanks to (in no special order) Chris, Amy, Tyler, Sam, Dez, Pat and friends, family and acquaintances who put up with who I am now, and try their damnedest to make me laugh and smile again... I couldn't have made it this far without you all.

Thanks to the lyrical stylings of Colin Hay for this post.

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Listening to: Over The Rhine - If Nothing Else (Acoustic)
via FoxyTunes

Mini-Reviews #1 (a mostly non-whiny post)

PLEASE GO SEE THE SURREALEST* FRIDAY APR 25th
@ ROCK AND ROLL PIZZA!!!!!!!!!

Mini - Book Review: World War Z, even better than I thought it would be. A documentary of the international war vs the zombies. As many have said whom I have talked to about this book, it's more about the human condition, and human nature, than a zombie story... that being said there's plenty of scary zombie scenes with much carnage. Check it out.

Mini - Music Review: New MSI album**. Much better than their last offering, this is a perfect meld of a more-mature and polished band, that keeps it's sound. The track "Issues" is a perfect example, plish sound, great beat, interludes with those crazy atari-esque noise, and MSI lyrics. Highly recommend this for MSI fans, and people who aren't afraid to try different kinds of music. MSI is the retarded child of punk, hip-hop and a cross between the original atari and nintendo machines.

Hopefully upcoming reviews: The Musketeer, The Door in the Floor, and Versus Director's cut all on DVD. My thoughts on the mini-series and 1st season of Battlestar Galactica from tv. A Game of Thrones, the first in the Ice and Fire series from George R. R. Martin from the literary world. Assassian's Creed thoughts, as well as past due thoughts on The Witcher, Rainbow Six Vegas 1, and AudioSurf from the gaming realm.

Upcoming posts: More whining, and possible new works from the 3d realm...

Questions for anyone reading... min-reviews, and in-depth will be the two review styles. 1 will have many coverages in a single post, the other will have a single topic. Then what to call overdue reviews stuff a few months to a year or slightly more old, and also what to call the really old reviews, say if I want to review bionic commando for the NES. Right now they would be called past-due reviews, and ex post facto reviews... old and lots older. Any thoughts? Back to the future reviews... maybe some sort of film reference...

* The Surrealest is a group of 7-8 MC's one of which is a good friend of mine, they tackle political and intellectual subjects most often, and are ever-evolving with their talents. Show is $10 with 4-5 other groups included in the concert.

**Of course this album is only available from Myspace currently, until it's full release at the end of this month, when I (and you should too) will pick up an official release CD.

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Listening to: Mindless Self Indulgence - If (2008) - 13 - Money
via FoxyTunes

Take this sinking boat...

... and point it home.

I find the lyrics of many of the songs from the indie "Once", intriguing and as always find a personal interpretation in them. The film is at the top of my Netflix queue, and if I ever send back the 3 dvds I have (received in early January) I may finally see it. It seems like it my be something I would like; a good human story. Then again it may end up as overdramatic crap... but I'm willing to take the chance based on some songs, and the fact that overdramatic crap has a chance of fooling me currently...

I am vaguely aware (the extent of awareness of anything for the time being) of a small handful of my post being of nautical reference.. this one being indirect. My love, fear and loneliness have been felt and symbolized through the ocean for all of my life that I have the ability to remember. I can gaze for hours, good weather or bad at the scenes the ocean terrain and skies provide me. I deeply fear and feel the strength and depth of the sea at the same time as I enjoy it. Finally there is nothing that can remind me of isolation, and the truth of how small we are individually then an entire stretch of beach that I may sit upon on at either sunrise or sunset. I have many memories of the ocean, but a dark blanket of clouds are starting to cover them, like a slowly incoming winter storm.

Take this sinking boat and point it home,
We've still got time.

Still stuck on my Island

Ah yes... here I am, after losing 3 months of my life to the abyss. I find that clarity sometimes makes the hurt feel deeper... And yet again here I am,watching the tide and waiting for a means to rescue myself and to reenter the real world. Just liked a washed up 1980's glam rocker, who has spent all of the money made off of his one-hit wonder, I seek to prove that I still have worth and relevance! Whatever the hell that means, I find myself writing shortly after midnight pacific time, and hoping not to ramble on in a depressing way.

I am cleaning up and painting, and preparing to sell what I used to call home, perhaps I will get lucky and this will happen sooner rather than later. As hard as it is to concentrate on any task at this point, I stand with one leg stuck in the "old world" and the other stumbling into what is supposed to help create my new world. School consists of interesting stuff this term, I just hope I can get myself into gear and beat this track.. Comparative religions will always be interesting, especially because it includes mythology and philosophy. American History and Culture is also interesting, as it focuses on A People's History of the United States by Zinn. A controversial history book as it focuses often on the seedier side of America history, and from the view of the common man and not kings, queens or government. I haven't found much that has shocked me yet, as I have always dug for facts when things seemed illogical to me, which is most of our history. Advanced Lighting and Texture will be the biggest challenge as it will be a large workload if I accomplish what I want to...

I have my computer with me again now obviously, or I wouldn't be writing. It's amazing how much news and information you can miss out on over a 3 month span of time, without your precious internets and their clogged tubes. I have watched a lot of shitty movies made available by Comcast On-Demand service. I am trying to get back into more interesting film, and reestablish my Netflix account... recommend me something will ya? I have also been enjoying my music collection anew through AudioSurf available on Steam for a paltry $9.95, amazing on both slow and fast songs.

And finally on the note of movies and music, I have finally found a few musical tracks from TNT's 1990 production of Treasure Island. Appropriately given recent news it stars Charlton Heston as Long John Silver, and a young Christian Bale as Jim Hawkins... it also features Christopher Lee and Oliver Reed amongst others. The production also has some of my favorite music for film of all time by the Chieftains. I wasn't a big Heston fan, but this is by-far my favorite version of Treasure Island, and he was good in it.

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Listening to: The Chieftains - Reel Music-The Film Scores (1991) - 01 - Opening Theme-Treasure Island
via FoxyTunes

Suffocated by Knowledge

Why do the terrible things that we were sure was happening, our worst fears that are already known as fact, hurt so much more when they are given voice. The action, the dark vision is the same, in mind and in word... why does that vocalization enhance the pain; it changes nothing, and it changes everything. How can it make any sense; why doesn't it make any sense? Why do we know what is supposed to happen, even though it doesn't? Again, how does one begin to dismantle the foundation of a future already laid out; those dreams cemented and bolted to the ground. The realization comes that you don't. You somehow have to build on what is already there, and what you have is the shakiest and most poorly constructed futures, because the building materials and styles don't match up... but you don't have the tools to make it all the same, and to ever make it work 100%, unless you go back to that original foundation, and build with the tools you had then.

The tools are broken, the foundation has somehow cracked. I am renewing my fight to patch them. That future is too important, it has to be mended so that the building can continue. If I can't find a way everything in me says that I will have to walk away from it forever... no foundation, and so no home to build on, and thus no real life... it's hard to even fathom.

Where are you this moment?
Only in my dreams.
You're missing, but you're always
A heartbeat from me.
I'm lost now without you,
I don't know where you are.
I keep watching, I keep hoping,
But time keeps us apart

Is there a way I can find you,
Is there a sign I should know,
Is there a road I could follow
To bring you back home?

Winter lies before me
Now you're so far away.
In the darkness of my dreaming
The light of you will stay

If I could be close beside you
If I could be where you are
If I could reach out and touch you
And bring you back home

Is there a way I can find you
Is there a sign I should know
Is there a road I can follow
To bring you back home
to me.

by Enya

Just a Cast Away off your shore....

I dismissed Cast Away when it first came out. I don't remember all the reasons why, but I do remember wondering how it could be interesting, I've see it done before in Shipwrecked, and similar themes in things like Treasure Island. I was wrong though, there is much more to this movie than island survival. I urge others who have felt the same way to give it a look and find what you can of yourself in it... maybe you won't see it, but this film has come to mean so very much too me. I see myself in many parts of Chuck Noland, now more than ever, and as such I am trying to adopt his motto in the film. Here it is... slightly paraphrased for my own usage:

"I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope, and all my logic said that I would never see her again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. I'm so sad to say I don't have her, yet I'm so grateful that she was with me... And now I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

It is so simply stated, such a difficult thing. I am telling myself I know what to do... I gotta live, I gotta keep breathing, I gotta keep going. No matter how much I tell myself there is no way out, and I don't know where to go from here, tomorrow is going to happen, whether I am ready or not. And just as Chuck when he made his way home, no matter who is around him, or what comfort is provided, I will feel alienated, I will feel alone, I will feel lost, and I will not know how to proceed... but I just have to... I hope I can find a way to do that, though hope may be gone, I cling to it, and the chance that with that new day, with that next tide, I will find what was lost, or simply what I need to keep on going...

The movie is a statement on relationships, and how we function in the world. It's also a statement on what it means to be alone, and what it means to hope. The movie is so monumentally depressing and uplifting at the same time. Give it a first look, or if you didn't like it give a second go, you may just find more than the story on the surface. I know I did.

High Fidelity Apocalypse

I've watched the movie High Fidelity almost twice in it's entirety on VH1 and AMC in the last 2 weeks. This is of course breaking the cardinal television vs dvd rule:

If you watch more than 20 minutes of a movie on cable television that you own on dvd, you are an idiot, and therefore you must put in the dvd, avoiding the commercials, censorship, general loss of intended content, and thus not furthering your idiocy.

The fact that I have broken this rule twice in a matter of weeks, coupled with other recent events can only mean the end of the world is nigh... thus in the immortal words of the Cobra Starship (and many other films and writings), I suggest you grab your ankles and kiss your ass goodbye.

Anyways... back to the movie. It's a wonderful little tale of relationships, and covers just about everything on how they can go wrong and how they can be so right, all in the lives of Rob and Laura. I've been meaning to find the book it was based on for quite some time, but the movie works for now. The most unreal part may be the fact that they do end up back together in the end (not my experience thus far in life), however this is not without consequence of course, and it also comes with a greater understanding of things as they are in "real life"

Rob (Cusack), late in the move speaks of the "fantasy" of another woman, though this isn't me or something I would think of or do, it does help bring into perspective a choice like that. It is a fantasy when you look for someone else while still attached, it gives you all the great things about a relationship, no problems, at least as Rob says, none of the real problems of coming home to a relationship that has ups and downs. The movie is hard to take in at this point in my life, the laughs along the way help though...

In honor of High Fidelity... the Top 5 things I miss about her (very close to the film on some points, almost exact in a few actually).

1. Her Laugh. It was all upper body, she would slightly rock back and forth and use her shoulders a lot, as her hair tried to keep up with her. It would always end in the biggest smile... I miss that too.

2. Her smell. What is it about compatibility to another person that just makes their smells be so... comforting.. so good... even when they aren't?

3. Her sleeping. She had so many sleeping quirks, I find it impossible to sleep myself without them. The best was that she would flick her index and big toe back and forth for a few seconds before becoming still again.

4. Her enthusiasm. When she was on... she was on. She would get excited about something and bounce around like a kid, and run in place. She would often follow that up with a Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! in rapid succession... crazy to some, amazingly endearing and fulfilling to others.

5. Everything else. I could have picked something specific, there are many that could fit here. But honestly, I miss everything, she was everything I knew and now it's gone, and it looks as though there is no way to get it back... and maybe I shouldn't want it.... but I can't see or feel that way right now.

An Old City Bar...

If we could somehow make this Christmas thing last... if only there was a way for people to remember what it is to care, and why helping others and caring for others is a reward... that feeling has a way of spreading. I had more to say, but I think that's enough.

Old City Bar
By Trans-Siberian Orchestra

In an old city bar
That is never too far
From the places that gather
The dreams that have been

In the safety of night
With its old neon light
It beckons to strangers
And they always come in

And the snow it was falling
The neon was calling
The music was low
And the night
Christmas Eve

And here was the danger
That even with strangers
Inside of this night
It's easier to believe

Then the door opened wide
And a child came inside
That no one in the bar
Had seen there before

And he asked did we know
That outside in the snow
That someone was lost
Standing outside our door

Then the bartender gazed
Through the smoke and the haze

Through the window and ice
To that corner streetlight

Where standing alone
By a broken pay phone
Was a girl the child said
Could no longer get home

And the snow it was falling
The neon was calling
The bartender turned
And said , not that I care
But how would you know this?
The child said I've noticed
If one could be home
They'd be already there

Then the bartender came out from behind the bar
And in all of his life he was never that far
And he did something else that he thought no one saw
When he took all the cash from the register drawer

Then he followed the child to the girl across the street
And we watched from the bar as they started to speak
Then he called for a cab and he said J.F.K.
Put the girl in the cab and the cab drove away
And we saw in his hand
That the cash was all gone
From the light that she had
wished upon

If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last

By helping a neighbour
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask

Then he looked for the child
But the child wasn't there
Just the wind and the snow
Waltzing dreams through the air

So he walked back inside
Somehow different I think
For the rest of the night
No one paid for a drink

And the cynics will say
That some neighborhood kid
Wandered in on some bums
In the world where they hid

But they weren't there
So they couldn't see
By an old neon star
On that, night, Christmas Eve

When the snow it was falling
The neon was calling
And in case you should wonder
In case you should care

Why we on our own
Never went home
On that night of all nights
We were already there

I'll be home for Christmas

I listened to Christmas music for the first time this week... I'm one of those people that normally starts in November. I'm not religious... it's just the feeling that that sound gives me that I enjoy so much, it takes me back to much simpler times. Things are changing now, those memories and the feeling that music and the season provides me is fading. Given recent events I don't think this will be a one-time deal... The holiday season hasn't been kind, and home isn't a home anymore, yet it's hard to complain when there are those out there dealing with things much worse than I have experienced, or possibly may ever experience. I'll comment more on that in a few days, on Christmas.

So I find myself haunted again this Christmas season, but not by the memories of youth and the opportunities and experience that brought... instead I am haunted by the present, and the recent memories it has created. The kind that are hard to push to the back of your mind, the kind that will linger long after the season is gone, and will strengthen with the return of the season next year. I remember... and I wish I could forget.

I Remember by Stabbing Westward

Do you ever wonder where
We would be if we had tried
A little harder?
It seems like yesterday
That we were making plans
For the future

But it's been so long
Since I have mourned the dreams
Those dreams we left abandoned

And I'm haunted by your face
And the memory of your kisses
Sweet kisses

Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcended space and time

As memories slip away
The ghost of what we were
Is fading

But there is no more pain
Which is funny 'cause that night
I was dying
I was dying

Now I don't even recognize
The girl I swore that someday
I would marry

But I can't forget her face
And I can't forget her kisses
Sweet kisses

Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember always feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcended space and time

Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
Or how we swore that we would never be alone
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
'Cause I still can't forget your touch
Or how we swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time

We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcended space and time

Do you remember?

God I remember so much

I remember so much...