Sunday, January 20, 2008

Suffocated by Knowledge

Why do the terrible things that we were sure was happening, our worst fears that are already known as fact, hurt so much more when they are given voice. The action, the dark vision is the same, in mind and in word... why does that vocalization enhance the pain; it changes nothing, and it changes everything. How can it make any sense; why doesn't it make any sense? Why do we know what is supposed to happen, even though it doesn't? Again, how does one begin to dismantle the foundation of a future already laid out; those dreams cemented and bolted to the ground. The realization comes that you don't. You somehow have to build on what is already there, and what you have is the shakiest and most poorly constructed futures, because the building materials and styles don't match up... but you don't have the tools to make it all the same, and to ever make it work 100%, unless you go back to that original foundation, and build with the tools you had then.

The tools are broken, the foundation has somehow cracked. I am renewing my fight to patch them. That future is too important, it has to be mended so that the building can continue. If I can't find a way everything in me says that I will have to walk away from it forever... no foundation, and so no home to build on, and thus no real life... it's hard to even fathom.

Where are you this moment?
Only in my dreams.
You're missing, but you're always
A heartbeat from me.
I'm lost now without you,
I don't know where you are.
I keep watching, I keep hoping,
But time keeps us apart

Is there a way I can find you,
Is there a sign I should know,
Is there a road I could follow
To bring you back home?

Winter lies before me
Now you're so far away.
In the darkness of my dreaming
The light of you will stay

If I could be close beside you
If I could be where you are
If I could reach out and touch you
And bring you back home

Is there a way I can find you
Is there a sign I should know
Is there a road I can follow
To bring you back home
to me.

by Enya

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Just a Cast Away off your shore....

I dismissed Cast Away when it first came out. I don't remember all the reasons why, but I do remember wondering how it could be interesting, I've see it done before in Shipwrecked, and similar themes in things like Treasure Island. I was wrong though, there is much more to this movie than island survival. I urge others who have felt the same way to give it a look and find what you can of yourself in it... maybe you won't see it, but this film has come to mean so very much too me. I see myself in many parts of Chuck Noland, now more than ever, and as such I am trying to adopt his motto in the film. Here it is... slightly paraphrased for my own usage:

"I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope, and all my logic said that I would never see her again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. I'm so sad to say I don't have her, yet I'm so grateful that she was with me... And now I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

It is so simply stated, such a difficult thing. I am telling myself I know what to do... I gotta live, I gotta keep breathing, I gotta keep going. No matter how much I tell myself there is no way out, and I don't know where to go from here, tomorrow is going to happen, whether I am ready or not. And just as Chuck when he made his way home, no matter who is around him, or what comfort is provided, I will feel alienated, I will feel alone, I will feel lost, and I will not know how to proceed... but I just have to... I hope I can find a way to do that, though hope may be gone, I cling to it, and the chance that with that new day, with that next tide, I will find what was lost, or simply what I need to keep on going...

The movie is a statement on relationships, and how we function in the world. It's also a statement on what it means to be alone, and what it means to hope. The movie is so monumentally depressing and uplifting at the same time. Give it a first look, or if you didn't like it give a second go, you may just find more than the story on the surface. I know I did.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

High Fidelity Apocalypse

I've watched the movie High Fidelity almost twice in it's entirety on VH1 and AMC in the last 2 weeks. This is of course breaking the cardinal television vs dvd rule:

If you watch more than 20 minutes of a movie on cable television that you own on dvd, you are an idiot, and therefore you must put in the dvd, avoiding the commercials, censorship, general loss of intended content, and thus not furthering your idiocy.

The fact that I have broken this rule twice in a matter of weeks, coupled with other recent events can only mean the end of the world is nigh... thus in the immortal words of the Cobra Starship (and many other films and writings), I suggest you grab your ankles and kiss your ass goodbye.

Anyways... back to the movie. It's a wonderful little tale of relationships, and covers just about everything on how they can go wrong and how they can be so right, all in the lives of Rob and Laura. I've been meaning to find the book it was based on for quite some time, but the movie works for now. The most unreal part may be the fact that they do end up back together in the end (not my experience thus far in life), however this is not without consequence of course, and it also comes with a greater understanding of things as they are in "real life"

Rob (Cusack), late in the move speaks of the "fantasy" of another woman, though this isn't me or something I would think of or do, it does help bring into perspective a choice like that. It is a fantasy when you look for someone else while still attached, it gives you all the great things about a relationship, no problems, at least as Rob says, none of the real problems of coming home to a relationship that has ups and downs. The movie is hard to take in at this point in my life, the laughs along the way help though...

In honor of High Fidelity... the Top 5 things I miss about her (very close to the film on some points, almost exact in a few actually).

1. Her Laugh. It was all upper body, she would slightly rock back and forth and use her shoulders a lot, as her hair tried to keep up with her. It would always end in the biggest smile... I miss that too.

2. Her smell. What is it about compatibility to another person that just makes their smells be so... comforting.. so good... even when they aren't?

3. Her sleeping. She had so many sleeping quirks, I find it impossible to sleep myself without them. The best was that she would flick her index and big toe back and forth for a few seconds before becoming still again.

4. Her enthusiasm. When she was on... she was on. She would get excited about something and bounce around like a kid, and run in place. She would often follow that up with a Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! in rapid succession... crazy to some, amazingly endearing and fulfilling to others.

5. Everything else. I could have picked something specific, there are many that could fit here. But honestly, I miss everything, she was everything I knew and now it's gone, and it looks as though there is no way to get it back... and maybe I shouldn't want it.... but I can't see or feel that way right now.